I write for a hobby, mainly fiction and some autobiography. I got stumped on a love story that I was writing last fall, when I realized that I could not convey what the characters, a man named Mark and woman named Pica were going through during the relationship that involved feelings of love. I have personally lived in toxic situations and had survived this long, feeling little unconditional, family or intimate love. I felt ashamed that I was denied this type of relationship with another human being, and set forth my research. I checked out library books, movies, watched YouTube videos on how couples met and fell in love. I listened to elders tell me about how they met their spouses and I even signed up for online dating (as an experiment) in Sept 2018. I have been single and raising children alone for more than 14 and 1/2 years. My family consists of 1 daughter, 1 son, 2 guinea pigs and 1 rabbit. I don't have a friend to cry on their shoulder or them mine...so I gave myself a week (ha!) to learn from others how to work on a chapter in my story that included love and dating, and at the time last fall, I realized that I had never actually dated anyone in my entire life. I did meet 1 guy at a movie once as a teenager after getting a ride with a group of friends after being denied by a parent to be able to go with the guy himself. That "relationship" was a disaster by the way.
So, I watched fiction and fact on hetero, homo, bi, and whatever kind of love stories, the universe brought to me. It's Feb 2019 and I have not touched my book (I've thought about it). It's as though I cannot just make up my own words for my own novel if I do not have experience with the topic. So, I am basically ignorant in the topic of love, and am willing to learn. Willingness is one of my keys of happiness and joy as I can look forward to changing myself in baby steps without feeling overwhelmed. Becoming willing comes after learning what is lacking and making a move toward committing to make a change without committing to make the change, yet.
I pray that I can be the character in a real life love story and that I will be thrown into a pot of love, as far as dating, romantic, intimate love and that it won't just be for my own desire and neediness but also to share this miraculous gift with another human being, and be able to finish my novel and share with the world a feeling that makes their hearts throb. Until, then, and who knows maybe it has already began to happen during this experiment, I will use my spirit person to help me show love to the rest of the world. If you have found love, learn more about how this affects your love. If you are searching, like me or have given up; please do not feel alone. We are not alone, for whatever reason some of us have not entered the right season to obtain this relationship. What can we do now with self-care, and non-selfish self-love that can help us to be better people, to love ourselves and lose fear of being loved by others? We have today and tomorrow is not a guarantee, so nurture, seek and never give up! Namaste.
February Black History Month and Love.
When I was a child my mother would take me onto Wurtsmith AFB to watch a black history month show being preformed on stage. Later, as a student at Michigan State University, I was a member of the Charles Drew Enrichment Laboratory which helped anyone but especially minorities who had a lower graduation rate after successful entrance, to graduate. We would have weekly circle groups where we each read our report about a minority, it opened my eyes to all the achievements that I never ever learned about before. I believe that it was at MSU or maybe PSU that we would have MLK day off, in January, and notices were sent out to have a "day on" not a day off, in which you were requested to volunteer in the community and give back. Since then I rarely hear anyone talking about MLK or Black History month and it makes me feel very sad! I do not hear of events. This past week I was told that I can watch a MLK celebration that took place at Beth Israel, in NW Portland recently, online. I would like to attend their event next year. I was so grateful that someone from the Jewish faith, after so many years, had informed me of an event and acknowledged history that so many people do not care about. I am not blaming anyone. I remember being a medical student and spending the whole MLK day in private clinics, sure kids and college students were out of school and the US mail was not delivered, but could we put up a sign somewhere with a group of diverse people having a peaceful time, pictures are worth a thousand words. I say that I am woke then casually "forget" that I can have my own celebration. That no one is stopping me from learning and relearning my history, not just of blacks, but of other ethnic groups, that I did not learn about in standard history courses or even about women, or silent heroes. Life as a minority can be so discouraging. I am a single mother and have very few "friends". There is so much racism in the world that it takes me doing a lot of prayer and meditation each day just to face the world. What I would like to see is love. Love for self, love for others and recognizing that each of us is an individual not a product of a stereotype that media attempts to portray. Peace; may you find yourself in good health.