Feb 2019 part 2 More on Love

I write for a hobby, mainly fiction and some autobiography.  I got stumped on a love story that I was writing last fall, when I realized that I could not convey what the characters, a man named Mark and woman named Pica were going through during the relationship that involved feelings of love.  I have personally lived in toxic situations and had survived this long, feeling little unconditional, family or intimate love.  I felt ashamed that I was denied this type of relationship with another human being, and set forth my research.  I checked out library books, movies, watched YouTube videos on how couples met and fell in love.  I listened to elders tell me about how they met their spouses and I even signed up for online dating (as an experiment) in Sept 2018.  I have been single and raising children alone for more than 14 and 1/2 years.  My family consists of 1 daughter, 1 son, 2 guinea pigs and 1 rabbit.  I don't have a friend to cry on their shoulder or them mine...so I gave myself a week (ha!) to learn from others how to work on a chapter in my story that included love and dating, and at the time last fall, I realized that I had never actually dated anyone in my entire life.  I did meet 1 guy at a movie once as a teenager after getting a ride with a group of friends after being denied by a parent to be able to go with the guy himself.  That "relationship" was a disaster by the way.

So, I watched fiction and fact on hetero, homo, bi, and whatever kind of love stories, the universe brought to me.  It's Feb 2019 and I have not touched my book (I've thought about it).  It's as though I cannot just make up my own words for my own novel if I do not have experience with the topic.  So, I am basically ignorant in the topic of love, and am willing to learn.  Willingness is one of my keys of happiness and joy as I can look forward to changing myself in baby steps without feeling overwhelmed.  Becoming willing comes after learning what is lacking and making a move toward committing to make a change without committing to make the change, yet.  

I pray that I can be the character in a real life love story and that I will be thrown into a pot of love, as far as dating, romantic, intimate love and that it won't just be for my own desire and neediness but also to share this miraculous gift with another human being, and be able to finish my novel and share with the world a feeling that makes their hearts throb.  Until, then, and who knows maybe it has already began to happen during this experiment, I will use my spirit person to help me show love to the rest of the world.  If you have found love, learn more about how this affects your love.  If you are searching, like me or have given up; please do not feel alone.  We are not alone, for whatever reason some of us have not entered the right season to obtain this relationship.  What can we do now with self-care, and non-selfish self-love that can help us to be better people, to love ourselves and lose fear of being loved by others?  We have today and tomorrow is not a guarantee, so nurture, seek and never give up!  Namaste.